Quite Changed

Well here I am again at the Fine Arts Summer Academy in Nashville, Tennessee. I wish I had a whole bunch of pictures to share but I've been so wrapped up in the experiences here, I haven't captured many at all. The first week is over and I've already learned so much. One thing that has really taken precedence in my thoughts this last week is the idea of first impression and reputation. Since this is my second time here at FASA, I am not only meeting new people, but reuniting with friends from last year. I guess it is difficult to come back because I've changed so much in the last year and I am plain embarrassed by what I used to be like. Lodged in my memory are small bits of conversations that openly displayed my immaturity of faith and of mind. Sometimes it can be hard to move on from these experiences because I get so stuck on what people think about me. That people pleasing monster raises its ugly head and sometimes I get swallowed by its luring deceptions. Perhaps I get so sensitive to what I think people are mulling over in their minds because I admire them and wish to do well as they see well but I don't think that that's the case. I think the main part of people pleasing problem is that I'm selfish. I often think other people's thoughts are often on me. I judge others by assuming they are judging me. I suppose my idea is not super bright or genius, in any sense of the word, but it is a new thought for me: I know that I've changed and been healed and so does Christ. I don't have to prove it to anyone and I don't have to be worried if they've noticed or not or if they like me better, worse, or the same. Basically, if someone's eyes are open and his or her heart tractable, they will notice the changes Christ has made in me and applause His excellence. As for me, I can only know my own heart and so I shall quit trying to enter into other people's. My job is to love as Christ loved, to share the love and joy that Jesus has shared with me and to try, by His grace, to see the "very good" in people and encourage them in the difficult yet fulfilling quest of living for Christ.

Blog Namesake

Thus says the LORD:

I will allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak to her heart.

She shall respond there as in the days of her youth,

when she came up from the land of Egypt.

On that day, says the LORD,

She shall call me “My husband,”

and never again “My baal.”

I will espouse you to me forever:

I will espouse you in right and in justice,

in love and in mercy;

I will espouse you in fidelity,

and you shall know the LORD.

-Hosea

Lonely Loser?

Well, here I am typing a blog post in the extremely dark and early part of the morning because, honestly, I feel like a loser who has nothing better to do. Perhaps that is a strong way of putting that, right now, I'm lonely. This whole idea of loneliness is one that I have recently been discovering. I remember being a lonely in middle school and still feeling lonely even though I experienced the joy of having friends in high school.  The word seems slightly foreign to me though and i think it's probably because of my denial of me ever having been lonely. I suppose I feel uncomfortable writing this because it makes me feel exposed and embarrassed. I guess many people, including myself, dislike admitting that they aren't the life of the party or the extremely enjoyable and always pleasant and rock-your-socks-off awesome kind of person all the time. It's hard to admit that sometimes I am sad without good reason or discontent even when I have so many blessings around me. And for me, admitting that I'm lonely seems weak and I don't want to seem needy or clingy or annoying. Then again, I've had friends mention that sometimes I may be a little too unattached. 

The past few nights I have had a difficult time sleeping because of this loneliness. My mind has been so full of worry and doubt. My trust in God wavers sometimes and lately I've had a hard time being transparent with Him. So instead of praying and resting in His arms and allowing Him to soothe my soul, I've started turning to social media, movies, and even to dumb games on my phone, hoping to be "entertained". Actually, a better word for it would be distracted. These things had become a mechanism to distract me from the problems I had been facing and the hurt they've caused. These little and seemingly harmless games have actually been pulling me from reality, and therefore God who is reality. The love my heart feels so empty of is, every moment, being offered to me, and I have been actively drawing back from it.  The loneliness I was trying to run away from tonight and the night before was not being decreased by investing in screen time and won't ever be decreased by it. My souls thirsts for relationship, foremost a relationship with Jesus Christ. As long as I am resting in Him, listening to Him, serving Him, everything else will fall into place. Now that's an encouraging thought! I don't have to worry about tension with my siblings or trying to please my friends, though these are important things to be mindful of. My main focus needs to be Jesus. Nothing else.

(P.S. Just as an encouragement for you, I deleted all the games off my phone tonight and some social media things like Snapchat, etc.You can do it too!) 

Peace be with you!

Trusting in His Plan

I suppose I haven't written for a while. So very many life-changing events have taken place in just a week! On May 19th my commitment with Reach Youth ministry was over and I left for home. On the 21st I left my teen years behind me and stepped into my twenties. Scary. And also pretty great :) Being home has been really nice. It's pretty high charged here energy level wise, but less charged than the Reach house! I've spent my week here relaxing, painting, organizing, decorating my living space, throwing stuff out, hanging out with my fish, my dog, my little sister's snail, and our bees, soaking up vitamin D, and applying for jobs. Oh. I forgot. I've been reunited once again with my long lost love, Dutch Brothers Coffee. It's so nice to be back together again :)
Music has also been taking up much of my time each day. I am excitedly preparing for FASA, learning new songs, attempting to heave myself up skill levels on guitar and piano, playing for money (!!!), and preparing to step into the role as youth band director at one of the parishes come this August. Reach has prepared me well for leading focused and meaningful worship confidently, but I’ve never directed a group before so it will certainly be a new experience.
I’m not sure what God is planning on doing. The state I’m in is a sort of a limbo. I have so many crazy dreams and ideas and plans that I’ll do someday. Part of me is hurriedly pushing for me to start working again, to be busy, to be occupied, but another part of me wishes I could just enjoy what I have now. I’ve been getting to spend so much time with my little sister Rebecca lately and if I had a job, I wouldn’t have as much time to hang out with her. I wouldn’t have showed her who Little Orphan Annie is, or taught her how to play mousetrap, or helped her with her reading lessons or painting. I guess there is a large fragment of my heart that longs to stay home and write the music that is constantly on my tongue and in my ear, and complete my craft ideas that constantly overwhelm my mind, and sit in the warm breeze, and read all the books I’ve been too busy to read while traveling with Reach. It is hard to be grown up after a few years. I certainly didn’t think I’d ever hit age twenty. Yet here I am. It isn’t like I have no purpose or ambition in life, I just haven’t received direction on where I’m supposed to go yet. I just thought of this verse: “’For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord. ‘Plans for prosperity and not for harm.’”

How encouraging that I just have to be receptive to His plan for me, that I don’t have to worry about things not working out or blah blah blah because He plans on my life being prosperous and has no plans to harm me. There are still those moments when I am paralyzed by fear that I will hate God’s surprise plan for me or that He’ll give me a vocation that I will hate, but in all reality, those are lies from satan. How silly to think that God would want to impose misery on me! Living in His plan and intimately close to Him is the only thing that can satisfy my soul and put me truly at rest. He did not instill desires in my soul just to leave them unfulfilled, though there may be some in my heart that may not be from Him. He doesn’t give us dreams just to ask us to throw them away, put them to no use, and feel wretched. No! He builds and nourishes these dreams in us and rejoices in them! He will not leave us orphaned or forsaken. Let us allow God to nourish His dreams in us and to not be held back by fear or doubt any longer. Amen.

Only One Way

Reading for the Fourth Sunday of Easter, May 11th, 2014.

“Then Peter stood up with the Eleven,
raised his voice, and proclaimed:
‘Let the whole house of Israel know for certain
that God has made both Lord and Christ,
this Jesus whom you crucified.’

Now when they heard this, they were cut to the heart,
and they asked Peter and the other apostles,
‘What are we to do, my brothers?’”

We've all had moments in which we find conviction in our hearts. In this week’s first reading, we find the Elevenapostles on the day of Pentecost as Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, preaches boldly about Jesus’ resurrection and how Jesus is the Messiah. He doesn’t beat around the bush in saying that it was the Jews who crucified and killed the One that generations of Jews had been waiting for. Instead of denying or blaming, when the Jews hear this, Peter’swords penetrates their hearts of stone. They give up their legalism and surrender to the good news.

A constant theme we see in the Gospels is many people attempting to receive a reward reserved for those who follow Jesus, but without actually following Him or going by His rules. They try to sneak into it and make up their own rules. In my life, I have met many people who believe they are righteous because they never kneel with their rears touching the pew or because of their intense family regulations. I’m not saying that I have never been prideful or legalistic in my faith, because sadly I have been. Most of the time, the regulations I make up for myself aren’t even in line with or from God’s teachings! What I am saying is that this overly religious approach to our faith is unnecessary and harmful. Jesus wants our hearts, not our rules. Jesus says in this week's Gospel, “’Amen, amen, I say to you, whoever does not enter a sheepfold through the gate but climbs over elsewhere is a thief and a robber…I am the gate for the sheep… Whoever enters through me will be saved…’”

If we think we can gain access to the green pastures without Jesus we are dead wrong. To search for fulfillment in the arms of worldly things is a vain pursuit. Jesus warns the Pharisees of this dangerous mindset and cautions them to go through the right way and not cheat or finagle their way through. When we try to obtain joy, peace, love, success, and ultimately fulfillment, on our own with our own power, we seriously miss out on a beautiful gift. The shepherd longs to have us enter into his fold so that He can lead us to peaceful waters and right paths. “The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I shall want.”

Joyful relationship with Christ begins with the rending of our hearts and the recognition of our sin. It starts when we give up the traits that make us like thieves and robbers and recognize our desperate need for Jesus. When Peter spoke, those who listened with open hearts received a gift- the gift of conviction- and responded with courage. They then accepted the good news of salvation in Christ and believed in the Messiah they'd been waiting for for so many generations.

This decision to allow Jesus to enter into and change their lives didn’t just end with them. Peter encourages them that this message, this new life, is for them and their children. He tells them that the Shepherd came for the whole flock and for whoever would accept it. When I read this, it encouraged me to delve into discipleship and to not stop with hearing the good news, but to let my life be changed and illuminated by the light of Christ and then to go into my various communities, friendships, acquaintances and shine for them to see Jesus. That day of Pentecost, about three thousand people became followers of Christ. Can you imagine if each of us prayed for the Holy Spirit to anoint us with a spirit of evangelization? Can you imagine if we allowed God to penetrate our hearts so that He could heal our legalism? Can you imagine if we had no fear to share the light that illuminates our hearts?

Come Holy Spirit! Come fill the hearts of your people!

(If you’d like to look at the Readings in whole, check out http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/051114.cfm).

The Road of Fear and Redemption

"That very day, the first day of the week,
two of Jesus’ disciples were going
to a village seven miles from Jerusalem called Emmaus,
and they were conversing about all the things that had occurred.
And it happened that while they were conversing and debating,
Jesus himself drew near and walked with them,
but their eyes were prevented from recognizing him.
He asked them,
“What are you discussing as you walk along?”
They stopped, looking downcast.
One of them, named Cleopas, said to him in reply,
“Are you the only visitor to Jerusalem
who does not know of the things
that have taken place there in these days?”
And he replied to them, “What sort of things?”
They said to him,
“The things that happened to Jesus the Nazarene,
who was a prophet mighty in deed and word
before God and all the people,
how our chief priests and rulers both handed him over
to a sentence of death and crucified him.
But we were hoping that he would be the one to redeem Israel;
and besides all this,
it is now the third day since this took place.
Some women from our group, however, have astounded us:
they were at the tomb early in the morning
and did not find his body;
they came back and reported
that they had indeed seen a vision of angels
who announced that he was alive.
Then some of those with us went to the tomb
and found things just as the women had described,
but him they did not see.”
And he said to them, “Oh, how foolish you are!
How slow of heart to believe all that the prophets spoke!
Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things
and enter into his glory?”
Then beginning with Moses and all the prophets,
he interpreted to them what referred to him
in all the Scriptures.
As they approached the village to which they were going,
he gave the impression that he was going on farther.
But they urged him, “Stay with us,
for it is nearly evening and the day is almost over.”
So he went in to stay with them.
And it happened that, while he was with them at table,
he took bread, said the blessing,
broke it, and gave it to them.
With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him,
but he vanished from their sight.
Then they said to each other,
“Were not our hearts burning within us
while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?”
So they set out at once and returned to Jerusalem
where they found gathered together
the eleven and those with them who were saying,
“The Lord has truly been raised and has appeared to Simon!”
Then the two recounted
what had taken place on the way
and how he was made known to them in the breaking of bread."

 

Let’s recap really quickly. The reading starts out, “Now that very day two of them were going to a village seven miles from Jerusalem called Emmaus.” This was the morning of the resurrection and the two travelers were two of Jesus’ followers, two of His disciples, but not of the eleven that Jesus was closest to. Only one of them is named- Cleopas- and some believe that Cleopas’s wife was the other traveler. A few days before, as the city was packed with travelers for the Passover celebration, they watched as He was brutally put to death. Cleopas’s wife, Mary, had kneeled at the foot of the cross and now, even after three days, people were still talking about it. The disciples had scattered but now the eleven, Jesus’ apostles, were in hiding. Jesus had been many places and healed uncountable numbers of people. It says in John that if someone was to write the detailed account of all the things Jesus did, the whole world could not contain them. He was a busy man who touched many people’s hearts. And now, because of His death, He was talked about even more.

That morning, as soon as the Sabbath ended, the travelers' friend Mary Magdalene had gone to bring spices to the tomb of Jesus. The eleven closest disciples of Jesus and others were gathered, hiding in a room. Cleopas and Mary were with them. Some were sleeping, others sat, shocked from the terrible crucifixion and loss of their beloved friend. A few hours later, Mary Magdalene barged into the house and ran to Peter, speaking fast and excitedly. She was crying and laughing and she couldn’t contain her excitement. She told them that Jesus was alive. Peter and John got up instantly and ran, coming back a while later to say that her story was indeed true. Perhaps Cleopas and Mary felt that they were done, that they could not believe these rumors, these falsehoods. Hadn’t they seen the nails go in His hands and feet? Were they not there when Jesus’s side was pierced?  Sometimes we become too familiar with these stories and forget that crucifixion was the death penalty. It was dishonorable, it was embarrassing, it was barbaric and cruel.  And they were witnesses of Jesus being subjected to it.

Whatever the reason, these two disciples began to travel to Emmaus. And as you know, as they walked and were talking and debating, Jesus began to walk alongside them and question them. They are shocked that this stranger does not know what has happened. How could He have not heard the yells of the angry mob, the wailing that seemed to come from every corner of the city? Jesus was a dearly loved celebrity and this stranger had not heard of what happened to Him? Cleopas gives the man a summary of what has happened, including the hope that many had shared. “We were hoping that he would be the one to redeem Israel,” he says. The stranger then begins to interpret the scriptures for them, explaining Moses and all the prophecies that pointed to the Messiah. Walking moderately for seven miles takes a little bit over two hours, but with the traffic of people leaving after Passover, it may have taken even longer. So they arrived in Emmaus and they urged him to stay with them since it was nearing evening and getting dark. Jesus then broke bread and they realized that it was Him! Jesus then does this vanishing act and, even though it’s dark and dangerous, they go back to Jerusalem and tell the others.

 I really want us to focus on a few sections of this story and apply it to our own lives. Think about a time you have been down, miserable, depressed, sad, lonely, doubtful, angry, or grieving. Oftentimes, it is in these moments that we turn away from God. For Cleopas and the other disciple, they were leaving Jerusalem, the city of the cross. They were trying leave all that had happened behind, including Jesus. When we have hard times, it can be easy to walk away. And if Jesus wasn’t who He was, we would still be walking. Cleopas would have stayed in Emmaus.

But Jesus didn’t just let them go. He didn’t give up on them just because they gave up on Him. He doesn’t leave us because we leave Him. Just like in this story, Jesus comes and walks right along with us, He makes things clear for us, He doesn’t mind walking on the dusty path with us, and He isn’t offended when we don’t recognize Him right away. He counsels us and isn’t afraid to tell us that we are being foolish. But He never leaves us on our own. He strides with us and offers us the truth.

A pinnacle moment in this story is when they get to Emmaus. They could have let this stranger keep going and the story would have been over. But they persisted. As it says in the story, “they felt their hearts burning within them as He spoke” and they chose to listen to it and invite Him to stay with them. Then Jesus revealed Himself to them in the breaking of the bread, the Eucharist.

I was really convicted by this part of the story. I had to ask myself today, “When Jesus speaks to me, and I feel in my heart what is right, do I listen? Do I invite Him in? Because if I don’t, I could miss out on incredible things! When we experience the Eucharist, we are drawn back into the story of the Road to Emmaus. We can bring to the altar all of our grief, all of our sadness, every dark part of us, and Jesus will reveal himself to us in new AND familiar ways.

Be Not Afraid!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

Every day of my life is a new song. Today is a grateful song for the beauty that surrounds me. Yesterday it was a frustrated song because I am struggling with a certain technique my voice instructor is teaching me. Last week, it was a song of joy and love as I invited our retreatants to join in musical worship of Jesus. Looking back on my experiences with Reach, most of my favorite moments have been when I've led the youth in worship. This month especially, I've had an overwhelming response to the music I've played. I've never had so many people be so open about their thoughts about my voice. Their compliments touch me deeply, but also stirs in me a broad gratefulness to God for how He has formed me over the past nineteen (almost 20!!!!!) years to bring me to this place. I was pondering this, and I found buried quite deep was the first time I ever led worship.
It was a hot summer day. It was in front of my peers. I was an awkward homeschooler who loved Jesus and had a deep love for the Holy Spirit, but had a deathly fear of people my age. I hadn't known that I was going to sing by myself. In fact, my older sister, Stephanie, was going to play guitar and sing, and I was supposed to harmonize. That was the plan. All the songs were in her key (I was not as versatile a singer as I am now) and she was ready and confident and I was freaking out.
When we arrived, the youth minister walked up to us and said that they only had one microphone. I was ready to back out. Heck, I was super duper afraid and Stephanie was a superior singer anyways. But nooooooo. Stephanie says: "Oh that's fine. Elizabeth will just sing while I play guitar. It'll be great!" I'm pretty sure that my eyes bulged ten times their normal size. With five minutes until we were on, I prayed fervently, tried to put on a brave face, and then I stepped up with my talented sister.
Let's just say that I sang quite beautifully. I didn't think so at the time, because it usually takes a few years for me to think I sing well, but when I left that stage, I was shaking. "I will NEVER lead worship again!" I cried. Instead of any of my peers singing with me, they'd just stared at me in the most intimidating way and refused to sing. I tried to get them into it, but my encouragement sounded more like judgemental criticism and I felt terrible. In my mind, I had completely failed as a worship leader and I never wanted to go through that again.
But trying to tell myself to never sing again was like telling a mosquito that it could no longer suck blood. Ok, that's kind of a dark analogy, but you get the point. Even though I had nearly no confidence in my singing skills, I couldn't help but start singing with the band that played at our youth Mass. I was one of those people that the congregation looks at and says, "Why is she up there? No one can hear her. Is she just moving her lips?"
I remember my first solo for church. Our leader, Perry, sprung it on me and gave me about 45 seconds to practice before Mass. I got through the solo, but to be perfectly honest, I almost passed out when I sang. I haven't told many people this, but I have a condition called Pallid Breath Holding Spells. I had my first one on my first birthday (we have it on tape!) and have had them continually throughout the years. I've fallen out of trees, hit my head on various objects, and knocked things over because of them. These breath holding spells are usually caused by a change in my breathing and heart rate. It isn't a purposeful change and they usually come on when I'm afraid, in pain, etc. Usually they cause me to pass out or have a seizure. It is typical for this condition to just fade away when a child gets older, but sometimes I still feel the effects of them.
For example, in Nashville this last summer, I kept wondering why my breathing was so terrible when I was singing. I would be in my room practicing and I sang beautifully, then when I got in front of my peers or instructors, I just couldn't get myself to breathe. Looking back, I can see that my breath holding spells were probably the cause of this. There are some days when, no matter how I try, I struggle to breathe normally. This is a good but hard reminder to recognize that I am not in control and that "the spirit of God has made me" and "the breath of the Almighty keeps me alive." (Job 33:4)
Coming back from Nashville, my whole purpose and reason for singing changed. This has made singing for Reach much easier. I can say with confidence that God has truly changed my heart and my voice over the years so that I can draw others into a profound experience with Him. Singing isn't about me or the funny noises that sometimes come out of my mouth. Now there is intentionality when I sing. And the effect it has on others now that my heart is in the right place still shocks me. Honestly I can't wait to see what God has planned for my voice. I know that right now He's working on my confidence in the gift He has given me. It's super difficult to change my perspective on how I sing. Even my voice instructor is shocked by how little confidence I have. Each time I sing, I have to offer it up to Him. Every time I sing for the youth and I see a change in their faces as they are brought closer to Jesus, my heart is brought closer too and He heals me little by little of my fear, drawing me into faith. I will leave you with this verse that gives me encouragement in my pursuit of confidence in the Lord:

Be courageous and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; He will never fail you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6

The Dynamic Duo

While I've been in Reach I've had the amazing opportunity to intern underneath the fabulous David and Deidre Duo, a married couple who work as full time youth ministers together and just had their 7th child last month. When out to lunch with them one week, I asked them something that had been on my mind for a long time since working with them. "David and Deidre, I've been talking to other married couples and they all tell me the same thing: that they'd never be able to work with their spouse full time like you guys do. How do you do it? It's been so discouraging to hear couples say that they couldn't stand being around each other all day and they wouldn't ever be able to work as a team." 

"Well," David began as she looked up at him adoringly, "Deidre and I have always had a great friendship. We have the same interests and we genuinely enjoy each other's company. But I would say that it hasn't just been that. I would say that it is God's grace that makes us able to be so close and work so well together." 

Their answer was amazing to me. They are almost always in each others company and, while their roles are very different, they work very smoothly together. To see one humbly ask the other what his or her opinion is and really listen to the answer usually surprises me. They didn't seem satisfied with the idea I had read about so often that they couldn't work together. 

I have this habit where I am super interested in reading marriage books, divorce books, and the like. For a long while, a problem in homes has been that  the man goes off the work and invests in his trade to support his family while the woman takes care of the home and the kids, etc. but by the end of the day, both are extremely exhausted a preoccupied, and don't have much time or energy to invest in each other and in increasing intimacy and friendship. I'm not saying that this is always a problem, but many books address the tension that this typical and accepted setup can create. 

For a long time I have found appeal in the type of lifestyle that would require me to have knowledge and investment of and in my husband's work. David and Deidre are youth ministers together, I've known couples in which one was the secretary for the other's office, and I even know two dentist spouses who work together in the same office. Yes, I can understand how having to work with someone day in and day out could get strenuous and annoying. That is a valid concern. There are people I have worked with that I had a really hard time understanding and that basically drove me crazy. But I have also worked with people who, even amongst misunderstandings and being around them every day, I enjoyed working with and still have friendships with them. 

Life isn't perfect and I realize this, but the unspoken conception that marriage has to consist of these certain things, that the husband must go off and the wife stay home or even off to her own job, that spouses can't work together as teams, that their lives should be virtually separate for each other, is stupid. 

I understand that this is not for everyone, but I feel that, when a man and woman become one, being involved in an entirely uncontrolling and rather collaborative way, is a must. Even if we don't work the same job, my hope is that my spouse and I will be able to have extensive  knowledge and understanding of what the other does and that we are invested in what occupies most of our time. I feel that this is important in many respects. If our lives are to be intertwined and woven together, why should the part of our lives that takes up forty hours each week be any different? In a study done by Pew Research Institute in the years 2010 and 2011, it showed that 59% of men between the ages 19-34 considered work the most important thing in their lives. If work is the most important thing in my husband's life (hopefully not) or even a very important thing in his life, I want to share this with him because he is important to me.

I want to be able to support him in his work as he supports our family. I want to be able to help him brainstorm when he's stuck or needing creativity. I want to be able to know what he's talking about when he plops on the couch and buries his face as he says, "Today was a terrible day." I want to be able to share in those   struggles, joys, and times of learning. 

 So what are your thoughts? 

Men, do you find this perspective annoying or refreshing? Women, do you find this repulsive or attractive? 

Conflict

Goodness, it's been a long time since I've blogged. I've started so many posts, but the perfectionist inside me cringes at the thought of posting any of my half finished, poorly organized thoughts. But today, I'm just going to write and not let perfection get in the way. Ashley, Reach's assistant director, told me a few weeks ago that, "Perfection is the enemy of Progress." And perfection cannot be successfully attained by my own control and power. It is something we will receive as a gift from our Father when we reach the heavenly gates.
Today I'm a bit downtrodden. I just read some of my little sister's blog posts. I wasn't expecting to go back and look at memories when I entered her blog, but she had a recap of some of her favorite memories from 2013. All of the memories shocked me like a slap in the face from a stranger.
My way of coping with the intense homesickness I have? Avoid those I miss. Don't even think about them. Once I remember them, nearly unbearable pangs of grief and loneliness hit me.
I guess I should mention, before I continue, the changes that have happened on Reach since we got back from Christmas break. Before break, Reach consisted of seventeen people, six of whom were on the Holy Family Reach team. There was one team member who consistently made my life and the lives of my other teammates extremely difficult. I won't go into detail, but it was obvious that this teammate didn't want to be a part of our team. The day before we were supposed to be back in Helena, I got a call from this teammate. He said that he wasn't coming back.
A few days later, I got a call from Ashley. She said that one of the other teams had also lost a male teammate, but for a more honorable reason: he had been offered his dream job at a mission church in Mexico and the faculty at Reach had encouraged him to take it. With this in mind, and with two teams now consisting of one boy and a million girls, they decided to move our male teammate to the Yakima team so that the boys could have male companionship. This made our team into an all girls team.
We are an awesome dream team! Ministry is amazing, team life is amazing. I was telling Ashley that I hadn't been depressed since Christmas break. And this is where we come in again to my homesickness.
I honestly haven't been depressed at all, but this homesickness is a worry to me. I want to be able to deal healthily with it, but is there a way to deal with homesickness? Or does it always stay? The idea of letting myself feel this makes me concerned that I won't be able to get over it. That I will just be stuck in it. But then, to block myself from this feeling, this desire for companionship with my family, seems like I am denying myself of a human and God-instilled need.
There are also some other things that are worrying me. The past few weeks, little things have been consistently, pretty much every day, coming up that seem to be pointing to a career in acting. For those of you who don't know, for a very long time I wanted to pursue film and acting, maybe even go to school for it. I decided to give it up last Spring though, because of the bad experience I had at school. I was shocked by the manipulation tactics of those in the theatre business and how conniving and sneaky they were in getting me and others to do things I wouldn't have first signed up to do. My dream was shattered by the shame I felt after that stupid class. So I decided to go to the next best thing that I was good at. I went to singing.
I've always loved singing, but acting was my first love. But that wasn't an option anymore. I was accepted into the Fine Arts Summer Academy as a vocal soloist and my first solo singing performance in my life (other than church) was on the Grand Ole Opry stage. Talk about pressure! Singing in front of others was so difficult, so humbling, so strange. So I decided that I would try it out. Maybe go to school for a degree in musical performance. Perhaps do that for the rest of my life.
The more I thought about it, the more I looked into schools, the less I wanted to do it. I had a perfect plan though. I would take the year long Music Theory program at my community college and then in 2015 I would take music exams to enter into a university.
Then this month, everything changed. I started to apply for youth ministry jobs. I wasn't satisfied with that though. Something just wasn't right. One day while I was updating my work resume, I decided, "I need to make a performance resume." So I created one with the help of some websites with my acting experiences, special talents, training, head shot, etc. Within a few days, I randomly felt like I needed to send it to Beccy Lanier with Sherwood Pictures. So I sent it, honestly not expecting anything. When she emailed me back she said that, while they weren't making any new films, the Kendrick Brothers were and that she had forwarded it to them because they were now accepting applications for actors in their film they were working on. So I went on their website and filled out their form.
I actually loved filling it out, because there was a part on the application that asked for me to explain my religious beliefs and story. Most online forms limit your characters to about 500 or 800. This section gave me one thousand words. I thought it was beautiful that this was a part of their application.
So now I'm waiting in anticipation. I'm scared. I try to control my feelings, my homesickness but also my huge desire to be a part of this film, to use my gifts to serve others and to draw them closer to my sweet Lord, Jesus Christ. Allowing this ache to act arise in me again is super painful. I want to act so bad, but I don't want to feel the agony of being rejected. I don't want to hope. But I keep feeling that certain things are coming up that point to acting being my calling. I'll be in Mass and a part of a reading will point to this desire in my heart. I'll be reading scripture and a verse will pop out to me and it will point to the same thing. I'll be speaking with someone or listening to a homily and the arrows are in the exact direction. I'll be having a conversation with God when in prayer, and He will say things that allude to this.
I am just super conflicted with doubt and fear. I don't want to get attached to this idea and be hurt by it. Fear is the absence of faith. I don't want to be unfaithful.
If you, my friends, could please pray for me, that I would open up my heart, that He will give me a sign, that I would find clarity in all this, that I would know what to do next year, that I would only do His will not my own, I would be very, very grateful.
God bless you and to God be the glory forever.

Advent is all Year long.

Well, December is here and the Church's new year has begun, bringing with it the season of Advent. Being on Reach has filled even these few days we've had of Advent with much reflection of what this period of expectation means. An advent is an arrival of something long waited for. To be in the midst of Advent is to be in the presence of waiting. Advent isn't just a time during December, being in advent is something we experience all year long, all life long. 

Right now I'm in advent over my future. What does God have in store for me? Now is the time when people are making decisions for what they will be doing next year and I am not exempt from this responsibility. 

Will I pursue music? Will I go on more missions? Does God have someone He wants me to court and marry? Will I live at home or move on my own? Will I be able to get a steady job? 

All of these things weigh heavily on me, but I also look forward to them with joyful anticipation. I know that many of my fellow Reachers are going through similar things. They are applying for grad schools, interviewing for youth minister positions, planning and discerning what will come next, living in faith that God will continue to lead them even when they can't see further than one step ahead, trusting that, as it says in one of my newly favorite songs, "You've never failed, you won't start now!" 

Ever year during the season of Advent, we wait to experience again and again the joy of Jesus's first coming that the world experienced two thousand years ago, but we also look forward to and are reminded of His future coming. We hear stories of people who waited and waited for Jesus- Isaiah who prophesied His coming, Mary who waited nine months for her precious child to come, stories that inspire wonder and awe and the desire to be patient. As I wait for my Lord in physical form, I am challenged to wait for His plan for my life, to surrender joyfully and wait. He knows all the little details and every single huge aspect of the plan. All I have to do is wait on Him, listen to Him, and respond to His directions, whether in action or in the moments He simply asks me to sit and be still awhile. Those quiet moments are often the hardest, but most rewarding. I encourage you, dear friend, to surrender every project, plan, relationship, idea, every piece of you to Him every day. It is difficult and is a life time process, but let us start now and not wait for a "better time". Let us start the journey of surrender now and continue to look forward to the coming of our Lord. 

To conclude, I want to share a beautiful advent prayer that one of my teammates found this morning:

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a wonder at the wisdom and power of Your Father and ours. Receive my prayer as part of my service of the Lord who enlists me in God's own work for justice.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a hunger for peace: peace in the world, peace in my home, peace in myself.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me a joy responsive to the Father's joy. I seek His will so I can serve with gladness, singing and love.

Come, long-expected Jesus. Excite in me the joy and love and peace it is right to bring to the manger of my Lord. Raise in me, too, sober reverence for the God who acted there, hearty gratitude for the life begun there, and spirited resolution to serve the Father and Son.

I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, whose advent I hail. Amen.