Lonely Loser?

Well, here I am typing a blog post in the extremely dark and early part of the morning because, honestly, I feel like a loser who has nothing better to do. Perhaps that is a strong way of putting that, right now, I'm lonely. This whole idea of loneliness is one that I have recently been discovering. I remember being a lonely in middle school and still feeling lonely even though I experienced the joy of having friends in high school.  The word seems slightly foreign to me though and i think it's probably because of my denial of me ever having been lonely. I suppose I feel uncomfortable writing this because it makes me feel exposed and embarrassed. I guess many people, including myself, dislike admitting that they aren't the life of the party or the extremely enjoyable and always pleasant and rock-your-socks-off awesome kind of person all the time. It's hard to admit that sometimes I am sad without good reason or discontent even when I have so many blessings around me. And for me, admitting that I'm lonely seems weak and I don't want to seem needy or clingy or annoying. Then again, I've had friends mention that sometimes I may be a little too unattached. 

The past few nights I have had a difficult time sleeping because of this loneliness. My mind has been so full of worry and doubt. My trust in God wavers sometimes and lately I've had a hard time being transparent with Him. So instead of praying and resting in His arms and allowing Him to soothe my soul, I've started turning to social media, movies, and even to dumb games on my phone, hoping to be "entertained". Actually, a better word for it would be distracted. These things had become a mechanism to distract me from the problems I had been facing and the hurt they've caused. These little and seemingly harmless games have actually been pulling me from reality, and therefore God who is reality. The love my heart feels so empty of is, every moment, being offered to me, and I have been actively drawing back from it.  The loneliness I was trying to run away from tonight and the night before was not being decreased by investing in screen time and won't ever be decreased by it. My souls thirsts for relationship, foremost a relationship with Jesus Christ. As long as I am resting in Him, listening to Him, serving Him, everything else will fall into place. Now that's an encouraging thought! I don't have to worry about tension with my siblings or trying to please my friends, though these are important things to be mindful of. My main focus needs to be Jesus. Nothing else.

(P.S. Just as an encouragement for you, I deleted all the games off my phone tonight and some social media things like Snapchat, etc.You can do it too!) 

Peace be with you!