Be Not Afraid!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

Joshua 1:9

Every day of my life is a new song. Today is a grateful song for the beauty that surrounds me. Yesterday it was a frustrated song because I am struggling with a certain technique my voice instructor is teaching me. Last week, it was a song of joy and love as I invited our retreatants to join in musical worship of Jesus. Looking back on my experiences with Reach, most of my favorite moments have been when I've led the youth in worship. This month especially, I've had an overwhelming response to the music I've played. I've never had so many people be so open about their thoughts about my voice. Their compliments touch me deeply, but also stirs in me a broad gratefulness to God for how He has formed me over the past nineteen (almost 20!!!!!) years to bring me to this place. I was pondering this, and I found buried quite deep was the first time I ever led worship.
It was a hot summer day. It was in front of my peers. I was an awkward homeschooler who loved Jesus and had a deep love for the Holy Spirit, but had a deathly fear of people my age. I hadn't known that I was going to sing by myself. In fact, my older sister, Stephanie, was going to play guitar and sing, and I was supposed to harmonize. That was the plan. All the songs were in her key (I was not as versatile a singer as I am now) and she was ready and confident and I was freaking out.
When we arrived, the youth minister walked up to us and said that they only had one microphone. I was ready to back out. Heck, I was super duper afraid and Stephanie was a superior singer anyways. But nooooooo. Stephanie says: "Oh that's fine. Elizabeth will just sing while I play guitar. It'll be great!" I'm pretty sure that my eyes bulged ten times their normal size. With five minutes until we were on, I prayed fervently, tried to put on a brave face, and then I stepped up with my talented sister.
Let's just say that I sang quite beautifully. I didn't think so at the time, because it usually takes a few years for me to think I sing well, but when I left that stage, I was shaking. "I will NEVER lead worship again!" I cried. Instead of any of my peers singing with me, they'd just stared at me in the most intimidating way and refused to sing. I tried to get them into it, but my encouragement sounded more like judgemental criticism and I felt terrible. In my mind, I had completely failed as a worship leader and I never wanted to go through that again.
But trying to tell myself to never sing again was like telling a mosquito that it could no longer suck blood. Ok, that's kind of a dark analogy, but you get the point. Even though I had nearly no confidence in my singing skills, I couldn't help but start singing with the band that played at our youth Mass. I was one of those people that the congregation looks at and says, "Why is she up there? No one can hear her. Is she just moving her lips?"
I remember my first solo for church. Our leader, Perry, sprung it on me and gave me about 45 seconds to practice before Mass. I got through the solo, but to be perfectly honest, I almost passed out when I sang. I haven't told many people this, but I have a condition called Pallid Breath Holding Spells. I had my first one on my first birthday (we have it on tape!) and have had them continually throughout the years. I've fallen out of trees, hit my head on various objects, and knocked things over because of them. These breath holding spells are usually caused by a change in my breathing and heart rate. It isn't a purposeful change and they usually come on when I'm afraid, in pain, etc. Usually they cause me to pass out or have a seizure. It is typical for this condition to just fade away when a child gets older, but sometimes I still feel the effects of them.
For example, in Nashville this last summer, I kept wondering why my breathing was so terrible when I was singing. I would be in my room practicing and I sang beautifully, then when I got in front of my peers or instructors, I just couldn't get myself to breathe. Looking back, I can see that my breath holding spells were probably the cause of this. There are some days when, no matter how I try, I struggle to breathe normally. This is a good but hard reminder to recognize that I am not in control and that "the spirit of God has made me" and "the breath of the Almighty keeps me alive." (Job 33:4)
Coming back from Nashville, my whole purpose and reason for singing changed. This has made singing for Reach much easier. I can say with confidence that God has truly changed my heart and my voice over the years so that I can draw others into a profound experience with Him. Singing isn't about me or the funny noises that sometimes come out of my mouth. Now there is intentionality when I sing. And the effect it has on others now that my heart is in the right place still shocks me. Honestly I can't wait to see what God has planned for my voice. I know that right now He's working on my confidence in the gift He has given me. It's super difficult to change my perspective on how I sing. Even my voice instructor is shocked by how little confidence I have. Each time I sing, I have to offer it up to Him. Every time I sing for the youth and I see a change in their faces as they are brought closer to Jesus, my heart is brought closer too and He heals me little by little of my fear, drawing me into faith. I will leave you with this verse that gives me encouragement in my pursuit of confidence in the Lord:

Be courageous and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; He will never fail you or forsake you.

Deuteronomy 31:6