I had a normal shift at work from eight to five, but I continually dropped things, made tiny mistakes frequently, and overall couldn't concentrate well. And I'm frantically trying to learn lines, music, and blocking/choreography for the musical that I'm in that opens in two weeks. Also I had to go into the doctor yesterday because of a migraine that lasted over two weeks and finally put me in so much pain I couldn't stand it any longer. My room is in shambles, my face has broken out, the ministries I'm in charge of are suffering from neglect, my siblings feel unloved by me, and my prayer time with the Lord is almost non-existent at this time.
I feel like I need a little vacation. A break. I also think I'm wallowing in self-pity. Duuuumb. I hate feeling this way. And I'm learning that I also hate feeling.Yesterday I had a bit of a break through when my doctor told me my headache was caused by too much stress which was caused by a lack of dealing with my emotions. So I cried in the car on the way home and now today, I feel like crying again. All the little details I want to control seem just out of my reach. And I have to leave in twenty minutes to go lead worship for young adult adoration. I'm at a loss of how I'm going to do it. I hate doing ministry when I can't even stop and pray and be filled by the Lord because I'm so afraid of my life being out of my control (even though it really isn't in my control EVER) and into His.
I feel like a hypocrite. How can I share You with them when I don't even have You?
So many people think I'm faithful, think I'm a leader. But really, as someone I know once put it, "I'm just a big ball of insecurity just like everyone else."
I lack confidence in myself for good reason. I try to rely on my own strength, my own talent, and everything else I think I have, and really, Lord, I just need to rest on your shoulder. Why do I feel like I write about this all the time? Perhaps this is just another "Elizabeth Therapy" post, so sorry readers. I have so many dreams and ideas and goals, but right now I feel like a failure. I'm working at Petco. I live in the laundry room. I have a fish for a companion. I'm a neglectful friend. My bed isn't made. I'm twenty and I'm tired of this dumb life I live. I want to live a purposeful life. I want to be driven and successful and liked and faithful and confident and lovely and right and just. So perhaps I should start hanging out with the Guy who was all those things.
I have always learned best by someone showing me how something is done and then repeating it or copying it while they supervised. So Lord, would you give me the grace to be teachable and to be calm in your presence? Would you still my quivering heart long enough to teach me how to be yours? I want to follow you. I want to be like you. I don't want to live in self-pity, I want to live in thanksgiving! Father, give me a grateful heart. Show me how to love and how to receive your love and the love of others. Give me a courageous heart, Warrior God that I so long to serve. Make me like you.
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